TwitterRank/tweet_cont/tweet_cont_69.txt

As
much
as
I
love
the
theme
music
from
the
Serial
podcast
it
really
killed
the
vibe
at
my
Zumba
classI
love
seeing
the
look
on
my
kids
faces
on
Christmas
morning
when
I
tell
them
were
HinduTwas
the
night
before
Christmas
when
all
through
the
house
not
a
creature
felt
like
pronouncing
it
was
as
two
wordsGot
all
my
Christmas
shopping
done
Now
to
shop
for
other
peopleDidnt
know
you
could
squeeze
up
to
3
ounces
of
liquor
out
of
a
department
store
Santas
beard
Thanks
Martha
StewartMy
wife
wants
our
Christmas
gifts
to
be
handmade
this
year
so
I
carved
her
a
Radio
Shack
gift
cardAll
I
want
for
Christmas
is
a
catfight
between
Flo
the
Progressive
Lady
and
Lily
the
ATampT
LadyMy
Christmas
present
to
all
of
you

I
took
a
naked
selfie
and
deleted
itIm
pretty
sure
I
saw
this
department
store
Santa
in
an
old
episode
of
DatelineCrossed
Kim
Jongun
off
my
Christmas
list
You
have
to
take
a
stand
somewhereMy
fatherinlaw
just
found
out
Im
that
Conan
OBrienTonight
I
hang
wIceCube
amp
KevinHart4Real
get
drunk
with
dolls
amp
blow
up
a
strip
club
on
my
TBS
primetime
special
CONAN
To
Go
109cUnbroken
was
the
original
title
for
The
Human
CentipedeToday
I
saw
a
truck
carrying
Viagra
And
get
this
it
was
a
semi
By
the
way

no
charge
for
that
tweetDid
they
really
get
a
guy
named
Christian
to
play
MosesStar
Wars
producers
revealed
the
names
of
their
new
characters

One
of
them
is
Charles
SchwabI
hope
North
Korean
hackers
dont
release
the
embarrassing
emails
I
sent
to
Andy
slavishly
praising
our
new
boss
Kevin
ReillyDont
tell
anyone
but
I
got
my
fatherinlaw
this
thirdmanrecords
album
httptcoCmWsdXg4l3
It
sure
beats
last
years
gel
insolesTired
of
the
weird
looks
I
get
whenever
I
pronounce
the
t
in
ChristmasI
work
out
I
eat
right

I
dont
understand
why
Im
developing
breasts

Wait
am
I
not
texting
my
doctor
right
nowMy
high
school
marching
band
will
regret
cutting
me
from
color
guard
after
they
see
FWong
amp
me
in
YouTubeRewind
httptco5ql0soD9hQIm
whats
known
as
a
Tiger
Dad
If
my
kids
dont
get
straight
As
I
threaten
to
practice
the
violinOnce
again
missed
the
Fantasy
Football
playoffs
Thats
what
I
get
for
drafting
all
kickersI
had
a
hunch
China
had
passed
America
as
the
1
economy
when
they
started
making
all
our
America
is
1
hatsCant
believe
I
didnt
get
a
Grammy
nomination
for
my
jazz
album
Ginger
Odysseys
Vol
9Sorry
about
that
my
son
said
he
was
just
going
to
use
my
phone
to
play
Angry
BirdsButt
butt
buttIt
just
hit
me
if
they
are
real
we
are
stepping
in
piles
and
piles
of
ghost
dungAs
we
get
closer
and
closer
to
the
end
of
this
tweet
I
think
its
important
that
we
lower
our
expectationsIm
gonna
get
a
bunch
of
CyberMonday
deals
as
soon
as
this
thing
boots
up
httptcof1DakGBVMIYou
can
tell
Charles
Manson
really
loves
his
fiance
by
the
way
he
hasnt
murdered
herStill
eating
mostly
because
that
grassfed
turkey
from
Colorado
gave
me
the
munchiesThe
Greatest
Generation
stormed
Normandy
so
that
today
we
could
storm
TargetI
granted
my
turkey
a
last
request
so
now
Ive
got
to
wait
while
it
watches
the
entire
run
of
Breaking
BadI
wonder
if
sales
of
Butterball
turkeys
would
be
as
high
if
theyd
used
the
name
MargarineOrbMy
wife
told
me
a
turducken
was
as
close
to
a
threesome
as
Im
ever
going
to
getStopped
at
a
quaint
Diner
in
a
small
town
in
rural
Connecticut
This
photo
is
in
the
Mens
room
Why
httptcoy5B5r5dRZUIve
been
working
out
and
now
have
the
strength
of
ten
men
And
theyre
all
Regis
PhilbinWho
has
lessrecognizable
names
New
Republican
Congressmen
or
former
Arena
Football
playersIn
preparation
for
Thanksgiving
Im
going
to
swallow
an
SUVs
airbag
and
then
run
into
a
wallJust
read
that
Jaden
and
Willow
Smith
interview
to
my
dog
and
he
looks
less
confused
than
I
amI
took
emotional
Vulcan
Jordan
Schlansky
coffee
tasting
Watch
the
life
drain
from
my
eyes
in
the
first
minute
httptcoADI00JKtKQA
10second
kiss
can
transfer
80
million
bacteria
my
wife
told
me
as
we
shook
handsI
just
joined
the
Mile
High
Club
for
people
who
tweet
on
the
toiletThese
days
HD
is
so
good
when
you
watch
an
NFL
game
you
can
see
the
murder
evidenceIm
grateful
for
those
Kim
Kardashian
nude
photos
because
they
reminded
me
to
check
my
cars
oilJust
saw
my
Thanksgiving
turkey
playing
beach
volleyball
in
MalibuFight
muscular
dystrophy
Text
CD10
to
50555
to
donate
10
to
httptcozJyYyH1Xoc
amp
share
your
pic
CureDuchenne
httptcoyE7IaeJ1eAMy
new
3D
printer
not
only
prints
food
but
also
some
really
rude
waitersCheck
out
my
cinematic
badass
tribute
to
SonsOfAnarchy
Ladies
If
youre
allergic
to
orgasms
do
not
click
httptco3bNtFatjPjIm
talking
to
the
cast
of
SonsOfAnarchy
tonight
I
havent
been
with
this
many
men
in
black
leather
since
every
time
my
wife
leaves
townTonight
on
CONAN
I
play
AssassinsCreed
Unity
or
as
I
prefer
to
think
of
it
Super
Violent
Les
Miz
Roleplay
httptcobsSU23n4DmNPR
just
told
me
Im
the
murderer
in
the
next
Serial
podcastSo
embarrassed

my
wife
walked
in
while
I
was
watching
that
video
on
how
McRibs
are
madeI
guess
we
can
finally
put
an
end
to
the
rumors
that
I
killed
Bin
LadenIts
too
bad
Conan
Cumberbatch
had
a
nice
ring
to
itTake
a
Stand4Heroes
amp
help
support
our
injured
service
members
httptcoPqhuKu1djN
Stand4HeroesMartin
Shorts
terrific
new
book
is
out
today
Im
mentioned
in
the
chapter
Punks
Who
Ripped
Me
OffRT
AndyRichter
URGENT
GoVote
GoVote
GoVote
httptcoYnVOAAoEA9
httptcoBsRhRPJS4ZI
just
voted
and
now
I
look
to
the
horizon
with
confidence
httptcoEXgrW4jdTYTonight
on
CONAN
I
play
CallofDuty
AdvancedWarfare
Watch
and
become
erect
httptcojdqPNNmji5Lets
just
agree
any
group
of
3
or
more
handsome
British
men
should
be
referred
to
as
a
cumberbatchIts
November
1st
which
means
today
Americas
trash
cans
are
filled
with
thousands
of
unopened
FunSize
Almond
JoysTo
be
clear
Im
dressed
as
Hello
Kitty
for
Hello
Kitty
Con
NOT
HalloweenJust
called
my
broker
and
told
him
to
buy
300
shares
of
Neil
Patrick
HarrisMassachusetts
was
just
named
the
most
liberal
state
Researchers
almost
picked
California
but
then
they
stopped
for
gas
in
BakersfieldTonight
Ashton
Kutcher
talks
about
my
two
favorite
topics
fatherhood
and
Charlie
Sheen
httptcoSMAhxETYBPAs
if
there
werent
already
enough
reasons
to
hate
Ebola
I
hear
it
also
smokes
ecigarettesKenny
G
has
angered
all
of
China
yet
no
one
is
telling
him
to
stick
to
musicPersonally
I
think
America
is
ready
for
a
woman
to
scale
the
White
House
fenceIm
honored
to
be
mentioned
in
Harvard
President
Fausts
speech
today
about
making
the
CaseForCollege
httptcorKzdVY15LLDamn

Whenever
I
go
toe
to
toe
with
Madeleine
Albright
she
always
winsMadeleine
YES

My
first
twitter
war
with
a
former
Secretary
of
State
Youre
next
George
P
ShultzI
picked
out
my
Halloween
costume
Im
going
as
Slutty
Madeleine
AlbrightEvery
once
in
a
while
just
for
fun
I
mail
an
Eviction
Notice
to
WarrenBuffettMy
imaginary
friend
grew
up
to
become
my
imaginary
strength
and
conditioning
coachI
love
autumn
in
LA
when
the
colors
change
on
the
Fire
Danger
signsThe
average
Netflix
user
streams
46
hours
a
month
And
the
average
senior
citizen
8
times
a
nightI
asked
nicely
but
the
DMV
wont
change
the
hair
color
on
my
drivers
license
to
pumpkin
spiceTheres
now
a
hybrid
Lamborghini
for
environmentallyconscious
men
with
small
penisesIm
pretty
sure
when
the
umpires
say
theyre
going
to
look
at
the
replay
theyre
watching
cat
videosAm
I
the
only
one
who
realized
that
Frozen
was
just
an
allegory
for
the
US
leaving
the
gold
standard
in
1933My
lifelong
dream
of
having
interlocking
feet
and
claw
hands
is
finally
coming
true
httptcohfI1X9JgA9
LEGOBatman3Tonight
Im
on
TheTalkingDead
which
makes
up
for
never
getting
to
be
on
TheWalkingDead
I
was
up
for
the
part
of
CarlWhen
the
freeway
lanes
leaving
LA
are
blocked
and
the
lanes
going
into
town
are
empty
then
yes
I
do
scan
the
horizon
for
monstersEarthquakes
seem
to
know
when
my
dog
is
about
to
freak
outA
5year
old
in
California
tested
positive
for
cocaine
His
parents
became
suspicious
when
he
asked
for
a
kilo
of
ice
creamMy
neighbors
criticized
me
for
putting
a
pumpkin
out
too
soon
I
had
to
tell
them
that
was
just
me
looking
out
the
windowJust
received
my
invitation
to
George
Clooneys
weddingIf
the
news
gets
any
worse
the
home
page
of
Drudge
Report
is
just
going
to
be
a
giant
skull
on
fireBen
Affleck
said
that
his
penis
looks
better
in
3D
Mine
does
too
but
my
wife
refuses
to
wear
the
glassesStill
mountain
biking
during
heat
wave
Please
tell
me
what
Im
eating
Tastes
like
bitter
almonds
httptcoZLmC9PslOZMountain
biking
during
heat
wave
Just
drank
my
urine
They
sell
it
at
Whole
Foods
httptcozFxAr8uqycWell
the
phrase
going
viral
suddenly
seems
less
coolGiants
Pirates
Dolphins
Apples
Corduroy
You
thought
this
was
a
baseball
tweet
at
first
didnt
youTweeting
this
from
the
White
House
The
Obamas
look
so
peaceful
sleeping
shhhhIf
he
or
she
owns
finger
cymbals
chances
are
the
sex
will
be
memorableI
like
to
go
to
Whole
Foods
put
organic
stickers
on
conventional
produce
then
sit
back
and
watch
the
fireworksClippers
owner
Steve
Ballmer
is
banning
his
players
from
using
Apple
products
How
do
I
get
my
kids
on
the
ClippersA
flight
from
Boston
to
LA
was
diverted
to
Omaha
after
a
passenger
started
masturbating
Nothing
kills
an
erection
like
landing
in
OmahaI
hope
The
Equalizer
is
about
Denzel
being
a
badass
by
adding
artificial
sweetener
to
peoples
coffee
without
askingAn
evangelical
rewrote
a
Harry
Potter
book
to
rid
it
of
all
the
witchcraft
Sounds
bad
but
I
really
liked
her
other
book
1
Shade
of
GreyMy
iPhone
6
Plus
is
two
days
old
and
its
already
bent
Has
anyone
else
had
this
issue
after
leaving
their
phone
on
train
tracks
overnightMy
wife
is
boycotting
the
NFL
Her
boycott
began
in
1987Theyre
going
to
start
locking
the
White
House
doors
but
theyre
still
going
to
let
pies
cool
on
the
window
sillIm
an
XMan
if
crying
yourself
to
sleep
is
considered
a
mutant
powerI
was
going
to
buy
the
iPhone
6
Plus
but
I
already
have
a
flatscreen
TVScientists
discovered
fossil
evidence
of
the
first
swimming
dinosaur
and
kingsthings
hasnt
thanked
me
for
not
making
a
joke
about
itiTunes
is
getting
too
invasive
Last
night
I
woke
up
at
3am
to
find
the
new
U2
album
raiding
my
fridgeYou
might
want
to
stay
indoors
today
Burbank
httptcoLrnVydt8a2Today
Scotland
and
England
laughed
off
reports
they
were
breaking
up
and
insist
theyve
never
been
happierA
baseball
player
got
suspended
for
Adderall
use
Football
players
think
thats
adorableThe
iPhone
6
can
take
20
selfies
in
rapid
succession
in
case
you
were
worried
about
the
selfie
shortageBackstage
ready
to
perform
at
The
Simpsons
Take
The
Bowl
I
have
extra
hats
httptcopGvb7XejdGWhen
you
think
about
it
every
cake
has
the
potential
to
be
a
crumb
cakeI
still
think
the
third
Hobbit
film
could
be
stretched
to
5
moviesThe
Dalai
Lama
says
he
should
not
have
a
successor
and
that
the
position
has
served
its
purpose
Sorry
Ray
LiottaI
hear
the
iPhone
7
is
going
to
be
a
landlineSome
scientists
want
to
replace
the
handshake
with
the
fist
bump
Others
want
to
replace
the
fist
bump
with
the
tush
pushI
never
forget
a
name
BroWhat
drought

LizardsGroot
I
am
Groot
doing
a
Yoda
impressionQuick
question
Why
is
a
flash
mob
of
hipsters
and
yoga
moms
called
a
farmers
marketI
dont
even
trust
real
clouds
anymoreOn
this
Labor
Day
Id
like
to
salute
the
millions
of
Americans
who
day
in
and
day
out
type
140
letters
and
hit
SendIm
opening
a
restaurant
that
only
serves
bread
bowls
filled
with
smaller
bread
bowlsGummi
worms
are
incredibly
popular
so
Im
not
sure
why
my
line
of
gummi
chiggers
didnt
take
offI
hate
being
recognized
in
restaurants
except
when
the
waiter
says
Shall
I
put
it
on
your
tab
Ms
SwintonA
woman
is
suing
McDonalds
because
she
bit
into
a
Big
Mac
and
found
a
StarbucksI
hope
I
never
discover
a
genie
when
Im
really
hungry
tired
or
unhappy
with
my
cell
phone
receptionI
just
got
waylaid
in
Malay
by
PeleSo
liberating

just
threw
car
keys
into
ocean
Glad
they
werent
my
car
keysSweating
like
crazy
May
have
to
switch
to
mens
deodorantJust
taught
my
kids
about
the
current
US
Congress
by
taking
their
ball
going
home
and
cryingWhole
Foods
has
started
selling
rabbit
meat
Thats
great
I
was
looking
for
a
place
to
buy
waytooexpensive
rabbit
meatTonight
on
CONAN
its
an
hour
of
our
most
unprofessional
and
embarrassing
rehearsal
moments
If
you
like
human
error
this
shows
for
youNo
one
will
see
The
Expendables
III
for
meI
think
the
ice
bucket
challenge
caused
some
permanent
shrinkageWhen
I
retire
Im
going
to
pursue
my
first
passion
inventing
pancakes
that
can
be
sold
by
the
loafAm
I
Groot
Groot
having
an
identity
crisisWhen
does
the
Red
Soxs
season
startHave
you
seen
those
baby
panda
triplets
Two
of
them
are
really
cuteIve
accepted
the
ALSIceBucketChallenge
Havent
checked
the
internet
but
I
think
Im
the
first
celebrity
httptcocxnx1iPi9GI
cant
believe
some
jerk
already
has
the
license
plate
I
requested
MSCORSESEToday
I
looked
at
some
great
times
I
had
with
Robin
over
the
years
God
bless
him
he
still
really
makes
me
laugh
httptcoUPB3JmtaZZAbsolutely
stunned
to
hear
the
news
about
Robin
Williams
Its
unimaginable
to
me
that
weve
lost
such
a
genuinely
funny
and
sweet
manStill
no
listeners
for
my
new
podcast
about
all
my
favorite
podcastsI
named
my
dog
Spot
It
doesnt
sound
hip
but
its
short
for
SpotifyToday
a
historian
told
me
the
real
Sam
Adams
never
actually
brewed
a
Blueberry
Oatmeal
Summer
StoutIf
youre
wondering
what
I
was
like
in
college
one
time
I
had
a
pregnancy
scare
with
my
pillow60
of
Americans
say
they
believe
the
nation
is
in
a
state
of
decline
The
other
40
didnt
know
what
decline
meantTo
anyone
in
that
Russian
crime
ring
that
stole
all
those
passwords
can
you
help
me
get
into
my
Pinterest
accountAndyRichter
amp
I
teamed
up
with
a
talking
toilet
for
some
watersaving
tips
from
NRDCWater
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dont
think
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helps
that
Sudafed
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started
putting
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on
the
back
of
the
boxThe
full
OITNB
cast
is
on
CONAN
tonight
on
TBS
Coincidentally
Orange
is
the
New
Black
is
the
same
pickup
line
I
used
in
collegeLook
out
Brits
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will
appear
in
the
UK
on
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Consider
this
revenge
for
dumping
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us
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done
the
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part
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which
of
the
thousands
of
Sharktopus
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parties
to
go
to
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watch
in
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tonight
on
Syfy
at
9I
believe
it
was
the
great
Russian
filmmaker
Eisenstein
who
said
Shit
its
cold
hereGoogle
has
a
new
plan
to
eliminate
pornlinks
from
nonpornInternet
searches
Good
news
for
all
4
of
youIm
in
London
doing
my
best
to
keep
a
low
profile
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cant
believe
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the
funniest
thing
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regularly
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asked
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here
it
is
my
cameo
in
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And
when
I
say
you
I
mean
no
one
gt
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been
in
my
office
with
the
door
closed
for
an
hour
and
a
half
thinking
about
how
weird
a
name
Jolly
Rancher
isAn
apple
a
day
keeps
the
doctor
away
especially
if
you
shoot
the
apple
out
of
a
Tshirt
cannon
at
the
doctors
facePeople
keep
asking
me
for
more
footage
from
my
Tinder
sexcapade
with
Dave
Franco
Here
it
is
perverts
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is
bringing
back
the
chocolate
covered
Twinkie
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looking
to
eat
healthy
should
just
stick
to
the
regular
TwinkieThe
US
Census
bureau
found
that
only
7
of
Americans
identify
themselves
as
bisexual
This
is
shocking
new
to
anyone
who
watches
pornNot
sure
Im
on
board
with
the
idea
of
6
Californias
But
I
am
very
interested
in
the
idea
of
35
Rhode
IslandsTonight
Dave
Franco
helps
me
learn
about
Tinder
Also
tonight
I
learn
how
cruel
the
internet
can
be
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Stephen
Colbert
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first
masturbating
bear
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I
make
StephenAtHome
pay
for
his
grotesque
lie


In
recent
speeches
President
Obama
has
been
calling
on
Americans
to
stop
being
so
cynical
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probably
getting
paid
to
say
thatDawn
of
the
Planet
of
the
Apes
has
some
pretty
crass
product
placement
especially
the
scene
where
the
apes
start
wearing
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kick
this
BBQ
off
right
with
my
favorite
summer
groove
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Human
BehaviourLadies
lets
just
say
that
the
carpet
matches
whatever
the
metaphor
for
back
hair
would
beIm
having
martial
problems
Thats
not
a
typo
I
have
trouble
conducting
myself
properly
during
wartimeMoneysaving
tip
for
one
week
eat
all
your
meals
at
a
Shell
gas
stationI
always
thought
that
Irish
step
dancing
should
be
called
Irish
stop
dancingSure
the
Silver
Surfer
is
a
cool
comic
book
character
but
I
prefer
the
Pewter
Boogie
BoarderTo
save
time
Im
combining
two
tweets
Sure
if
you
like
tomatoes
that
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do
we
put
all
this
pressure
on
clouds
to
look
like
other
things
Lets
let
clouds
be
cloudsMy
Golden
Retriever
sure
loves
his
new
fedora
and
shades
from
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DogsDONT
watch
The
4th
of
Julie
it
is
NOT
about
our
countrys
independence
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browser
history
nowI
buy
all
my
flags
on
July
5thMy
favorite
song
about
a
haunted
concierge
desk
would
probably
have
to
be
Hotel
CaliforniaWhy
do
assumptions
always
require
you
to
work
under
them
Id
rather
play
over
them
Conan
hits
send
has
phone
taken
away
by
nurseIm
going
to
miss
the
World
Cup
when
its
over
Itll
be
hard
to
go
into
a
bar
amp
not
hear
people
yelling
about
something
I
dont
understandMy
kids
have
really
been
inspired
by
this
years
World
Cup

My
son
just
bit
our
dogIKEA
is
giving
its
US
workers
a
raise
The
CEO
said
We
want
IKEA
workers
to
stick
around
longer
than
IKEA
productsJust
read
an
alarming
statistic
by
the
age
of
four
the
average
child
has
already
seen
over
3000
hours
of
GEICO
commercialsOptimists
own
garbage
cans
Pessimists
own
garbage
cantsI
hope
the
new
ScoobyDoo
reboot
is
a
dark
gritty
exploration
of
Scoobys
homicidal
anger
towards
ScrappyDooIts
hard
to
believe
that
Los
Angeles
was
settled
in
1956
by
the
DutchHanging
out
with
IceT
FinalLevel
eating
froyo
like
a
pair
of
bad
motherfkers
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halfway
through
Hillary
Clintons
book
I
dont
want
to
ruin
the
ending
but
I
bet
she
kills
this
guy
BillA
tie
score
doesnt
feel
right
Who
do
I
tauntMy
Ghanaian
friends
are
still
not
talking
to
me